If brains were dynamite...

I couldn't blow up my nose.

Seriously.

Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows that I get overwhelmed by details and then can't find what I am looking for.

For example, if you are in your seat at a football game, and I have gone on a beer run, the whole section will have to shout at me that I am going the wrong way when trying my way back with the beer (it's true - this happened at the Labour Day Classic in Regina, a couple of years ago). Being extremely drunk only exacerbated a normal situation for me.

Or, at Folk Festival, I could be on my cell phone, talking to you, and you are jumping up and down, waving your arms, telling me that you are beside the big tree, the only big tree within a quarter mile, and I will not see you.

I try to arrive at restaurants ten minutes early, so that people will have to find me. Even if there are only three people in the entire place, I will go sit at the bar and have a drink because I think I'm the only one there.

It's really quite sad.

The point of all this being, I went to Home Depot yesterday. It was a recipe for disaster.

My list was not extensive:

• furnace filter stuff, whatever it's called
• Brita water-filter - the kind that goes on your tap
• dowelling to stake a plant
• a new exterior floodlight (replacement bulb)
• some sort of opaque window covering for my bathroom, so I can get rid of the mildew-y blind
• new mop head
• shower curtain rod
• something to use as a litter box (Rubbermaid container, most likely)

What did I leave with?

• Artscape window film (this one I did find by myself, thanks very much).
• Furnace filter stuff
• Brita water filter

I needed so much help to find those three items (and in vain, the floodlight) I left before I pissed off every staff person in the place. (Though in my defense, Home Depot doesn't have the blue furnace filter stuff, so I was shown some white stuff that works just the same. I bought two).

I am quite embarrassed that an otherwise highly intelligent person is reduced to stupidity when in situations involving other people, or well, merchandise.

I immediately, and sincerely, apologize for giving all women a bad name. I personify the stereotype that a woman has no business being in a home improvement store.

The next time you hear some man spewing about how women are helpless and shouldn't be trusted with a power tool, you can blame it on me.